There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
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