Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
