Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
