Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
