I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
