So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
