He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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