no, he came in my armpit
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
