how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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