I seem to have left my pride at pride
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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