i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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