I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
