if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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