I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
