Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
