I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
