I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You need Xanax blowdarts
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
