Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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