Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
