Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
