my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
