those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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