I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
