Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
