But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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