i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
