i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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