WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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