sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
