Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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