Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
