A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
