I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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