It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
