My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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