i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
