made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
