When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My dick has a subreddit
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
