he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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