I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
