I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
