She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
