hotel room ftw
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
