Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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