The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
