WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
