You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
