This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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