I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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