Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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