I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
